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• Personal Growth

March 2024

In Me I Trust

Trust God to guide you through life. But also do your bit by learning to believe in yourself. Dr Bijal Maroo (in her first cover story) shows you how to build self-trust, brick by brick, to reach the pinnacle of your potential

It was just one of those days. I was journaling about the equation I shared with a new person who had entered my life. As I tried to clear the fog around our interactions, I listed various ways to tell whether this person could be trusted or not. It was then that the thought hit me like a ton of bricks. Trusting another or not is all well and good, but what about me being able to trust myself? We frequently debate in our minds about the trust factor in our relationships with other people. But, until now, I had never spared a thought in the direction of self-trust.

Trust Versus self-trust

Trust is a belief that some person is a good, sincere human being and will not try to deceive or harm us in any way. Trust is the beginning of converting strangers into friends, business associates, employees, partners, and even spouses.

Self-trust is believing in ourselves and knowing that we are good enough. When the odds are stacked against us, self-trust allows us to believe that we have the power to win. Self-trust is being vulnerable as we flirt with new possibilities and even risk getting hurt. It is permitting ourselves to take bets on ourselves.

According to Brian [MU1] Tracy, a Canadian-American motivational public speaker and self-development author “If you have strong self-trust, this means you have a good relationship with yourself. You trust yourself and your inner voice.”  

Self-confidence versus self-trust

In my book, self-confidence and self-trust are two different entities. How do you tell the two apart?

Self-confidence is cemented after we succeed. However, self-trust is present even before we taste success. Self-confidence needs to be developed. Self-trust is innate, though it does need to be discovered. Self-confidence comes from knowledge. Self-trust is implicit; it stems from faith and self-belief.

Once we succeed, confidence builds, and we know that more can follow. Self-trust is having a dream and riding it on a wing and a prayer. It equips us to explore unknown and uncharted territory. When we do something from a place of trust within, we start by taking a leap of faith. In a competitive world, where failure is frowned upon, we are open to courting failure.

If we build self-trust, we can build a reserve of self-confidence. Soon we know the areas where we possess superlative abilities. We also uncover our weaknesses.

We all possess our innate, inbuilt reservoir of self-trust

Dr Benjamin Spock, the world’s most famous paediatrician, said it best: “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”

In his book, The Greatest Miracle in the World, Og Mandino writes, “Your brain has thirteen billion nerve cells, more than three times as many cells as there are people on the planet.” Also, my Brahma Vidya teacher, Mandeep Kaur, says, “Every single cell in our bodies seems to have an innate intelligence as well.” Thus, each of us has our personalised treasury of wisdom and experience at our disposal throughout our life. We call upon this inner reserve of strength and courage every time we encounter life’s storms. It only gets better with use, this muscle of self-trust.

Let me share my own experience.

I have developed this muscle to make the best decisions for my family’s health. Ordinarily, the world of traditional medicine seems like a mammoth Goliath. Doctors from allied fields get easily bullied and agree with allopathic doctors. As a homeopath, I took daring decisions that were frowned upon by the followers of traditional medicine. I banked upon some inexplicable courage in the deep recesses of my being. When my family came out winners every single time, it helped boost my confidence.

Are we losing this unique gift?

However, this muscle has atrophied in the last few decades. As we increasingly play to the gallery while starring on social media, we have lost sight of our inner world.

Nowadays, as multiple brands flood the online marketplace, we are spoilt for choice. While many would see this as value addition, I beg to differ. The futile exercise of going through millions of products just to buy one or two items leaves me enervated. I despise being bombarded with such bulky catalogues. While I grapple with exhaustion and agonise over wasted time, others around me suffer from acute indecision. Thoroughly confused, they make a beeline for the latest influencer videos or mindlessly imitate the celebrities. Insidiously, we have been taught to distrust our hearts and are looked down upon for veering away from the herd. Commercialism has us viciously in its grip. The fire of our uniqueness is being systematically extinguished.

In the words of Robert Louis Stevenson, “To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying ‘Amen’ to what the world tells you that you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.”

Self-trust Questionnaire

Here is a set of questions that I thought would help uncover the level of self-trust we possess:

1. Do I find it difficult to make decisions?
2. Am I dependent on someone (friend, spouse, parent, or sibling) for every small or large decision required in my life?
3. Do I spend a large amount of time on advice columns?
4. Do I frequently scan my favourite influencer’s latest video?
5. Do I frequently consult with astrologers, numerology experts, or tarot readers in a bid to make the best decision?
6. Do I often catch myself second-guessing my decisions and my plans?
7. Do I often answer questions with “Maybe” or “I think so” instead of an emphatic “Yes” or “No”?
8. Do I avoid making promises to others and instead use words like “I will try”?
9. Do I avoid making commitments to myself?
10. Do I frequently break commitments made to myself?
11. Does the first failed attempt feel like the end of the world?
12. Am I focussed on the destination, unable to enjoy the journey?
13. Am I a risk-taker? Or am I a control freak?

Potential reasons for low reserves of self-trust

·Difficulty in taking decisions and dependence on other people, advice columns, or influencer videos (Questions 1–4)

Such people have never tasted independence. They have been overprotected and have never quite experienced making decisions for themselves. Often, they were the kids in the family and were told, “You are too young to decide for yourself. You are better off letting us decide for you.”

·An inordinate dependence on astrologers, numerology experts, or tarot readers (Question 5)

Such people may have a victim mindset. They believe that life is never in their control. Some of them may feel helpless because of failed attempts. They believe they have zero choice and feel that everything is only fate.

·Second-guessing decisions and harbouring a high fear of making mistakes (Questions 6–8)

Some children have always been shamed for failing and fear trying to attempt anything new as adults. It’s possible that parents or teachers chastised them by saying, “You never do anything right. You always mess it up. I can’t trust you even with a small job.”

·Avoiding making commitments to yourself or breaking them often (Questions 9–10)

It could be as simple as feeling lazy or people may not have learnt the importance of putting themselves first. They think that putting their needs first is selfish. They may have faced emotional blackmail when they tried to put their needs first. This is a very common mindset seen in Indian women. Such people suffer from poor self-esteem because of which they end up as people-pleasers.

·Failure seems like the end of the world (Questions 11–12)

Some people have a very strong critic inside them that ends up guilt-tripping them. Very often, they give up even before they have given anything a fair shot.

·Control-freak (Question 13)

The answer lies in the parental personalities. Maybe the parents were too anxious and neurotic and would not let go of control.

These answers are based on my life experience and my research. These might not be the only answers. However, this feels like a great starting point to examine the idea of self-trust or the lack of it.

Building the self-trust muscle

·Support network

o Keep away from naysayers and dream-crushers

Dick Fosbury, a professional high jumper, decided on a unique approach to the high jump. In those days, all high jumpers used the feet-first technique. The idea of throwing his body over, head first, with his face looking at the sky, had Fosbury gripped. The critics tore him down and poked fun at him. The position soon got a name: ‘the Fosbury flop.’ Fosbury chose to trust himself and kept at it. Finally, at the Olympics in Mexico, in 1968, he silenced his critics and had the last laugh. Fosbury not only won the gold medal with his so-called ‘flop’ but also set a new world record. Today, all high jumpers use his technique to improve their game.

The following story is a popular one in India, albeit still worth reiterating. Most of us know about the repeated setbacks faced by Amitabh Bachchan, the Bollywood megastar, who has ruled the box office for more than half a century. At the start of his career, Amitabh Bachchan did not make the cut for the job of radio presenter at All India Radio. He conjectures that maybe his voice was not suitable for what they wanted. Even the acclaimed director and screenwriter Mrinal Sen had written him off by saying that though his voice was good, he would never make it as an actor. Yet, Amitabh Bachchan did not let all this define him and continued to chase his dreams. Today, he stands vindicated and has become a “one-man industry” according to French director Francois Truffaut.

• Surround yourself with supporters and well-wishers

M S Dhoni said in his interview that many people have helped him become the celebrity cricketer that he is. He spoke about how his parents are very special to him as they never discouraged him from pursuing his dream. He also gives credit to every single friend who helped him through the tough phases of his life. The biopic M S Dhoni—The Untold Story depicts how Dhoni has kept in touch with the friends who stood by him before he became a cricket sensation. He remained unchanged by the extraordinary success, and he is grateful to all of them.

Let me share my own experience. While writing this article, I developed cold feet as it was my first attempt at writing the lead story. I was further stressed as my editor, Shivi Verma, had loved my previous story, You Matter. In my head, I thought I had to measure up to it. I confided in her about my fears. She calmed me down and was very supportive. The stress barometer showed the pressure levels dropping. Then I got cracking, and the article was concluded in just three days.

• Silence the inner critic

In her book You’ve Got This! Margie Warrell writes about how every household in North Korea mandatorily has a radio mounted on the wall in their living room. This radio has only one channel and plays Government propaganda. The volume can be turned up or down, but the radio can never be turned off. North Koreans fear that if they turn off the radio, they and their family will pay a heavy price.

Warrell continues that all of us suffer at the hands of our own internal radio which she calls ‘Radio Doubt FM.’ “You are too old, you are not qualified, or you are not that smart,” screams the inner critic. We must turn a deaf ear to it if we stand any chance of achieving our dreams.

In the words of Martina Navratilova, the nine-time Wimbledon Champion, “Every game in life is actually played on a six-inch ground—the space between your two ears.”

• Do whatever works for you

Virginia Satir, a family therapist, found that “there are more than 250 different ways to wash dishes, depending on who is washing and the ingredients used.” This just goes to show that there is never one way to do anything. So just do your thing!

Let me elaborate on this point with my own experience. Most students pursuing a professional degree prefer to stay up at night to make the best of the wee hours. It was during my first-year medical exams that I managed all-nighters for the first three exams. On the fourth night, my body sensibly took over, and I fell into deep sleep. Funnily, when the results were announced, I had performed best in the fourth exam. From that day onwards, I vowed to study only during the daytime and not sacrifice my sleep. I trusted my decision, and it has always held me in good stead.

·The art of making decisions

• Start small

The movie Runaway Bride is the story of Maggie (played by the stunning Julia Roberts), who has developed a reputation for chickening out and running away from her own wedding. She has done this two to three times. Ike (played by the charming Richard Gere) is the reporter assigned to cover her story. Ike and Maggie get into an argument, and Ike describes her past saying, “You were so lost, you didn’t even know what kind of eggs you liked! With the priest, you wanted scrambled. With the deadhead, it was fried . . .” In her defence, Maggie argues, “That is called changing your mind.” To which Ike counters, “No, that’s called not having a mind of your own.”

If we want to become decisive, we can start by taking small decisions and sticking with them. Coffee or tea? Red or blue? Ask yourself, Did I enjoy the drink I chose? Do I like how my chosen colour looks on me? If yes, why? If not, why? Maybe we end up with what we dislike. Now, we know! Also, we must live with the consequences. The emotion—pleasure or pain—will cement the knowledge in our memory forever.

In the words of the 19th-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This exercise of becoming decisive lays the groundwork to dig deep and know ourselves better.

• Put pen to paper

According to Nicholas Bate, the author of several self-development books, “Pen and paper will solve almost anything. Or at least start the process.”

Begin by writing down the entire problem on a piece of paper. Now list the pros and cons of deciding in the affirmative and the negative, on different sheaves of paper. Writing often gives more clarity than just mulling over the problem in your head. When you have put it on paper, it is out there. Now you can step back and look at it again. You will notice that, this time, you see it through different eyes— slightly detached eyes. Now you are no longer getting in your way. The clarity this process imparts expedites our decision-making.

• Seek opinions

Jinal Maroo, a chartered accountant who works as a speaker-trainer, says, “I consult my dad for financial matters, and I approach my mom for tips on managing the house and cooking. But before I ask them, I have already made up my mind. I’m just looking for confirmation. If their opinions differ drastically but seem convincing, then I might go with their suggestions. But, if I am not convinced, I just proceed according to my plan.”

Jay Shetty is a global bestselling author and award-winning podcast host of On Purpose. In his book Think Like a Monk, he stresses the importance of knowing whom to ask for advice. He says, “If I ask my mother (a housewife) for career advice, she wouldn’t be able to guide me much.”

Jay Shetty graduated with a First Class Honours Degree in Management Science. Yet, he ruffled many feathers in his family when he threw away a successful future in the corporate arena to become a monk. After three years of living in a monastery, his health deteriorated, at which point, he was faced with the pivotal decision of quitting his career as a monk. He was guilt-ridden as he felt he had let down his family and his teacher. He decided to approach his monk teacher to find a way out of this predicament. His teacher told him, “Jay, you came to the University (monastery) and you got your three years. You just got to go and use what you learnt here and share it with the world.” He added that after students graduate from University, some become professors, others entrepreneurs, and yet others take up a job. He asked Jay if any of them had failed. Jay could see the wisdom in his teacher’s words, and it set his mind free. He realised that he was not a failure but he had to figure out a different path to make his experience count.

·Increase the probability of success

• Focus on the journey, not the destination

Ant Middleton is the celebrity chief instructor of the hit British Television Series SAS—Who Dares Wins. In his book Zero Negativity, he says, “Nobody can go from 0 to 100 in one bound.” When he first joined the army as a 16-year-old recruit, he could never imagine that he would end up as a team leader in the prestigious Special Boat Service (SBS). His method was to focus on whatever challenge he could take on and, once it was done, look for the next. As he kept getting better, he had made it to the Marines. Then he excelled enough to become a sniper before finally becoming a team leader in the SBS. He explains that if he had gone from being a recruit to a team leader overnight, he would have been killed on his very first mission.

Ant emphasises how one needs to pick up the skills and strengths en route to the goal. He says most people don’t attempt their goal, because they fear they will fail. He gives the example of aspiring marathoners. According to him, even if they manage only 16 miles of the total 26 miles, it still is much better than any running they have done before. So, it gives them a sense of fulfilment anyway.

I am reminded of a scene from the book The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. “We have a long way to go,” sighed the boy. “Yes, but look at how far we have come,” said the horse.

• Put yourself first

Navni Chawla, a freelancer who writes for Life Positive, describes herself as a people-pleaser. Recently, she befriended a girl and made plans to meet her. However, she soon realised that the outing would throw her deadline in disarray and ended up cancelling it at the last minute. Her fuming friend broke off their friendship. Navni contemplated her mistake and realised that she had put her priorities on the back-burner while trying to accommodate her friend’s schedule. She vowed not to make such poor decisions again.

• Be careful what you label yourself

Jinal Maroo could never digest the idea of staying away from home. However, during her Bangkok stint, she was having fun at work and spending her weekends exploring Thailand. That’s when she noticed that her homesickness had vanished. She made friends who were fun and filled in for the family. It is important to study what we label as a weakness from different angles and in different situations before we lock it firmly under the weakness label.

• Take action

“The heart always knows the answers. It is the mind that is dichotomous,” says Shivi Verma, editor of Life Positive. We often seek a second opinion while dealing with experts such as doctors and lawyers. However, we must guard against seeking multiple opinions for every small decision in life as that might paralyse us into inaction.

Tony Robbins, an American author, coach, and speaker, narrates the story of a general from the US military. When he took charge of the army, he was faced with an impending decision that everyone had been contemplating for 12 years. Both sides had equally strong arguments. The decision was monumental as it would affect the whole country. However, the general was unfazed and took a decision right away. He explained that if the decision went wrong, he would change it. If it was right, that was great as they had got the momentum going. No analysis paralysis for this man!

Jinal Maroo is much like this US Army general. She says, “The suspense of not making the decision is far worse. That irritates me much more.”

• Shoulder responsibility

My friend Dr Manisha Jadhav, who works as a Consultant Business/Functional Analyst, aced the questionnaire. I asked her the reason for her high levels of self-trust. She attributed it to taking on responsibilities early in life. She learned to cook in the seventh standard itself. When she was in the tenth standard, her mother had to go to their native place on some urgent business. Entrusted with managing the entire household, Manisha learnt to analyse, think, and plan well. She feels self-belief stems from taking on small responsibilities at first. When you learn how to arrange your wardrobe and plan your studies as a kid, soon, you can take on just about anything in life.

Another one of my friends, Dr Varsha Rathod, a general practitioner in Shahad, is an only child. Since her father was an asthma patient, a lot of decisions fell on her shoulders. So she stepped up and played her part as the man of the house. She thinks and deliberates over her decisions, but once she has decided, she executes them with total conviction. She ignores all the free advice that people dole out and has the gumption to do her own thing. When their building went in for redevelopment, she decided not to wait for the finished flat. Instead, she sold her property to the builder and bought another flat for her mother.

• Forgive yourself

Ant Middleton talks about how he landed in prison for fourteen months after he punched a police officer. After serving time, he found it impossible to land a job. When he was shooting for SAS—Who Dares Wins, he decided to withhold this information from the producers of the show. When the first episode pulled in huge numbers, Ant became an overnight sensation. Soon after, the producers got to know of his criminal record. He explained to them that he had not lied to them. Rather, he wanted them to see him for his capabilities and not for his past mistakes. He quotes Polish-British novelist Joseph Conrad, “If you don’t make mistakes in life, you don’t make anything.”

• Have a back-up plan

Dr Manisha Jadhav always has Plan B ready in case Plan A fails. For example, when she tries out a new dish at home, she keeps another vegetable that everyone likes, ready as a standby. In this way, even if her new recipe is disliked, her family will not go hungry because of her culinary adventures.

This is the technique taught to people in the armed forces, in the police force, or to management students. This is not the way we commoners plan our lives. Yet, it is a smart way of handling life situations and facing challenges. Not only does Plan B keep stress low but it also helps you feel better prepared. It forces you to think and analyse the situation from all possible angles and consider all the prospective outcomes.

Take refuge in God

As you discover and grow your reservoir of self-trust, it becomes obvious that this is not an easy undertaking. Let the magnitude of the task not deter you. So, as you put one foot in front of another, let this hymn play in your head:

One day at a time sweet Jesus

That’s all I’m asking of You

Just give me the strength

To do every day, what I have to do

Yesterday’s gone, sweet Jesus

And tomorrow may never be mine

Lord help me today, show me the way

One day at a time