September 2024
My Dark Night of the Soul
Journalist Ashish Virmani, recalls a particularly trying phase of life and cannot feel grateful enough for it, as it helped him find his life-purpose
In my over five decades of existence thus far, I have generally found that the nature of human existence usually alternates between times of joy and times of struggle. Yet there is a phenomenon that challenges this rhythm of life’s ‘ups and downs.’ It happens to some, not all – to the sort of people who are preparing for a major reset in life. It is called ‘The Dark Night of the Soul’ and, as the phrase implies, is an extremely dark and hopeless time.
When one is experiencing this reality, one’s most cherished beliefs come crashing down and one no longer knows what to believe in. One feels powerless and overwhelmed with the lack of freedom and control over one’s life. Mostly this phase is a prelude to seeking and finding an alternative belief system, very often spiritual, that is durable and not susceptible to collapse.
The downfall
In my own case too, my spiritual awakening to Buddhism in 1998 was preceded by the Dark Night of the Soul, especially in the two or three years before the awakening.
To give you a bit of background – Since the early 1990s – when I was in my mid-twenties – I have been working as a journalist in the mainstream media in Mumbai. After I finished my higher studies in the USA, my parents were
there to take care of me in Mumbai. I drifted along as a journalist, doing a job, but not really understanding my purpose in life. As the days passed, and without realising, I started sliding downwards, leading a carefree and somewhat irresponsible life. My irresponsibility soon led me to addiction, and by 1996, I was out of job and seeing a psychiatrist. In 1997, I was led to a rehabilitation centre in another city where, to add to my confusion, three deaths triggered the collapse of my cognitive beliefs.
The first of these was the death of Princess Diana in 1997 in a car accident in Paris. The Princess of Wales had been a personal and family icon from the time she came into the public eye in 1982. I had followed her life path avidly, like millions around the world, and she was the epitome of style, beauty, riches and freedom in my eyes. That she died an agonising death in a car crash in a tunnel while being chased by paparazzi was a dreadful and unforeseen end. It caused me to seriously question my values as a journalist in the weeks and months that followed.
Back-to- back shocks
The second event which contributed to my Dark Night of the Soul was the death of a Mumbai-based music tycoon, whom I had encountered as a journalist. He was a self
made man who had found his way to fame and riches through films and the music industry. In
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fact, the first Bollywood event I had attended as a journalist in the late 1980s, was the celebration of one of his films. Subsequently I attended several events organised by his company, assigned to me by my editor. This man was supposedly the toast of society and media, and had wealth, fame, social status, family unity et al. That he was eventually murdered in a degrading way, by an alleged ‘supari’ killer, made me question the very meaning and purpose of life. What was actually worth living for in this life? Were all the things that society held in high esteem, ineffective in the face of death?
The third event, on the personal front, was the death of one of my rich uncles at his farmhouse in Mehrauli, near Delhi, in 1996. He was a jet-setting man, the pride of the extended family and had lived a la dolce vita – alongside his wife and two children – for most of his life. The children had studied and distinguished themselves at the best schools and universities in the world. But after his death, his wife, (my aunt), was incarcerated on the suspicion of having murdered him, and his daughter underwent a complete and irreversible breakdown. Not only was it a huge shock for the entire clan but a personal jolt for me as I was a sensitive person. In a way I didn’t know what or who to believe in any more.
There was a limbo in my life – I did not have a job and was struggling with the loss of my beliefs. At that time, all I felt around me, was an enveloping darkness and not much hope for the future. My parents, God bless their souls, did their very best
to support me but, were suffering tremendously on my account. My dad, in his seventies then, and a retired officer from the British-Indian army did not have a spiritual framework in life to guide me to. Like many from his generation, he had lived and believed in the philosophy of scientific-materialism – and had allotted religion a marginal role in his life and family.
The light shines through
In my case the process of the birthing of the new Self, began with my mother introducing me to Buddhism in 1998. On my return to Mumbai from the rehab centre, I got a job of a reporter in a newspaper and also began practising spirituality. I must mention, with extreme gratitude, that I have never looked back in the last 26 years, growing from strength to strength, thanks to the power of my faith in Buddhism.
In retrospect, I’ve been fortunate to have an 18-year long career in the mainstream media post my breakdown. In the latter half of my media career, I moved away from writing about celebrities and luxury to spiritual writing, which arose from a deep yearning within me. I am extremely grateful for the many things that spirituality has brought into my life – most of all for giving me a second chance at life and opening a whole new world to me. I am also grateful for my awakening to my life- purpose as a result. I firmly believe that my Dark Night of the Soul, though painful, was the prelude to perhaps the most significant event of my lifetime – my spiritual awakening.
Ashish Virmani, a mainstream journalist for over 18 years, found maximum fulfilment in spiritual writing. He has interviewed personalities like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Sadhguru, Deepak Chopra, Swami Parthasarathy, Suna ndaji, and others, who led him to a path within himself that he has ever since pursued. As a practising Buddhist, he has written substantially about Buddhism and now devotes himself to his Buddhist practice full-time.
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