January 2024
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here
A relationship crisis compelled Suma Varughese to give up hope and come face to face with stark reality.
A relationship with a family member appeared to be crumbling. It climaxed with a WhatsApp message from her, regretting her inability to continue with a joint project we were working on. I could not believe my ears. My solar plexus felt as if it had been kicked in. The mind moved into high gear and began spewing out angry and reactive thoughts. But the sane part of my being stepped in. I instinctively knew I should not listen to the mind because that would root me in suffering, and I kept anchoring it to the breath. And then came the decisive moment. I was going to let go of wanting to hold on to this relationship. I was simply going to be in moment-to-moment contact with what-was. I was done with living in the mind, with wanting certainty and permanence. I was going to give up hope.
No sooner had I formulated the thought, than something remarkable happened. Free of the mind, free of hopes and expectations, I realized that if this is what she wanted, then this is what I wanted. Even more crucially, if this is what God wanted for me, then this is what I wanted. After all, everything that had come my way, small or big, had only added to my welfare, strengthened and healed me, and brought me to my present state of being. I was done with conflicts. I no longer wanted things my way. I no longer wanted to be right. Or with wanting anything other than the actual reality. In half an hour, I had written a pleasant note accepting her decision, and that I was sure it was in the best interests of both of us. She responded cordially, and we parted peacefully.
I had read in spiritual texts about the importance of giving up hope in the more advanced stages of the quest. Pema Chodron, the illustrious Buddhist teacher and writer, says, “If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be eliminated, then we can have the courage to relax into the groundlessness of our situation.” It had made perfect sense intellectually, but I had never experienced it.
But now I understand vividly how strongly hope keeps us rooted in the status quo and the mind. We keep hoping that things will get better, that it will work out anyhow, that we can do or say something that will make the other change their mind. This stops us from fully accepting the present moment. The moment I gave up hope, all that was left was the stark reality.
Fear, desire, and hope trap us in the future. When calamity strikes, fear awakens and wails piteously. Hope whispers tender comfort to it. Tranquillised, we return to our somnolence. Giving up hope compels me to take responsibility for my situation in the present moment, for there is no one or nothing else to bail me out. It stops me from putting things off because, alas, the buck stops with me. It frees me of the illusions that Lady Maya is forever weaving around me and brings me directly to the moment and the need of the moment. As long as we cling to even a shred of hope, we will never actually come to terms with reality. Something or someone will show up, we believe, and deliver us from the dreadful situation. It is only in surrendering hope that we move into the region of the unknown where alone our true Self lies in waiting.
Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom. She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for writing in her various capacities as a columnist, writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She is the former editor of Life Positive and Society magazines. She has authored Travelling Light, Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be contacted at
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