Spirit
Septrmber 2024
Many of us are familiar with, and enamoured of, the Japanese art of kintsugi, which is a wonderful way of restoring broken pottery by putting together the pieces with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. What would have been consigned to the dustbin in other cultures, is embellished and made even more precious than earlier.
It struck me a few days back that this practice could be a wonderful analogy for mending relationships too. Broken bonds need not be dumped. We can make them twice as good as new by putting them together with the lacquer of commitment, humility and love. Why should we do this? Because this work will not only heal, but also expand and strengthen relationships and give them the resilience and buoyancy needed for lifelong loyalty. Unless our bonds are capable of absorbing confrontations and misunderstandings, we will never speak out our hearts, wade into sensitive territories, and create true depth and intimacy.
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Here are some ways to kintsugi connections that really matter to you.
1. Apologise when in the wrong. Do not waste a moment holding on to your pride. Many of us are afraid this will weaken our position in the power balance. Not at all. Taking responsibility for our wrongs and making amends, comes from strength and not weakness. Proving to the other that you really care for them and for the relationship, gives them the courage to be vulnerable too.
2. Even if the other is more wrong than you, apologise for your part in it. It usually takes two to tango. So own up your share. This happened to me once with a young and close relative. She was wrong, but so was I. So after stewing over the matter, and determining that this relationship mattered enough for me to repair it, I apologised for my role in it. Tearfully, so did she, and after shedding a few mutual tears and a hug or two, the relationship felt not just restored but kintsugied, more beautiful than before.
3. If there is something that the other has said or done that has hurt you, have the courage to express it, instead of glossing over it. You might fear losing the friendship, but if you don’t speak up, you will surely lose it. Relationships die primarily because we do not express our feelings. Over time, the weight of things unsaid but deeply felt, muffles the love until you can
feel it no longer. Each friendship gone is a tiny death. A soul wound. Don’t settle for that.
4. Nourish the equation by open-heartedly appreciating their positive actions and attributes. Make sure they know how much you value them and the link. Free yourself from the fear that this will give the other an edge over you. Love and intimacy arise only when you rise above ego.
Can you heal all connections? No. Some may have cracked too much for repair. Such relationships can be resuscitated, but they will lack the innocence and depth they once had. Come to terms with that. Secondly, not all links are meant to last. If you feel that the relationship has played its role in your life and you feel complete about it, let it go with a smile. Ultimately, relationships are our most precious wealth and treasure. They are the greatest source of our joy and love. They will not only support and sustain us through life, but even after life! As immortal souls, our bonds with other immortal souls are the only thing that survive death, apart from the work we do on ourselves. Relationships are for keeps, so kintsugi them with your heart and soul.
Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom. She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for writing in her various capacities as columnist, writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She is the former editor of Life Positive and Society magazines. She has authored Travelling Light, Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com