Spirit
May 2024
Becoming whole
A powerful experience has enabled Suma Varughese to take back her power and experience a sense of wholeness.
I have often written about self esteem, and my own lack of it in
this column. Being deprived of self-esteem is to the emotional body, what denial of water or air would be to the physical body. It is a primal need, without which the emotional body flounders gravely.
Nathaniel Brandon, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, puts it succinctly: “Self-esteem is 1. Confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life and
2. Confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.”
When I first read this definition a few months ago, I was struck by the force and pith with which it has captured the essence of this quality. Brandon sums up Point 1 as self-efficacy. I was particularly struck by his pointing out the quality of confidence in one’s ability to think. I recognised with a start that this was something I was deficient in, though my decades of self-work had definitely brought about changes. There was a time when I was always sure
that others were smarter than I was, knew more than I did, and arrived at better conclusions and decisions than I did. Therefore, I usually deferred to their opinion or decision, even if it was what to order for lunch at a menu. As for confidence in my ability to cope with life’s challenges, I began with virtually none, but gradually grew in this sphere as I found myself successful at work, running a home, managing relationships, and even medical contingencies of myself and others. Even when it came to self-worth, I was still far from complete. I found there were still pockets of low self worth, a tendency to deify others, put myself down, and seek the approval of others.
However, a few months back, I had an extraordinary experience. In an interaction with a friend, I felt devalued. In an attempt to get clear about everything I felt, I sat down to write it in a journal. As I kept writing, I went deeper and deeper into the experience, and found that half the problem was that I was invalidating my sense of injury by telling myself I was over-reacting. As I kept writing I found myself saying things about the relationship that I had never dared express to the other. At
some point in the outpouring, I suddenly felt that I had taken back my power and that I was free of my habitual tendency to feel less. And I felt this not just with this friend, but with everyone in general. For the first time in my life, I felt whole, perfect and complete. I felt auspicious. Since then, my self esteem has been slowly perfecting itself. There may still be a way to go, but I no longer give away my power. If I feel someone has treated me poorly, I express it to them, but in a neutral and non-reactive manner. These exchanges actually leave both parties feeling closer because the problem has been resolved. I have a new confidence and capacity to express myself. I no longer resort to my default state of self-doubt each time I have to do something new. When people send me appreciation, I accept it instead of feeling unworthy of it. The bottomline is that I am now relating on terms of equality to everyone. I am so glad that I am not leaving this planet in this lifetime, without experiencing the sweetness of feeling whole.
Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom. She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for writing in her various capacities as columnist, writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She is the former editor of Life Positive and Society magazines. She has authored Travelling Light, Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com
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