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• Personal Growth

june 2024

The Way of the Spiritual Warrior

When a patient of Dr Saroj Dubey, a Delhi-based senior consulting gastroenterologist, died, it propelled him into a profound spiritual journey that culminated with his eventual discovery of the spaciousness and presence of his true Self. This landmark event has now found expression in his newly released book, Rx for Resilience, an excellent guide to coping with life’s storms, says Suma Varughese

Dr Saroj Dubey and I are no strangers. Long-time readers of Life Positive may recall some deep and beautiful articles written by him, of which I remember a particularly riveting one with the title: Abandon All Hope. In that article, Saroj wrote about a powerful experience that had transformed his life, revolving around the death of his patient.

The article became the precursor for his newly released book, RX for Resilience: A Physician’s Perspective on Embracing the Present and Discovering Joy and Strength. I found myself closely associated with the book when Saroj approached me to edit it. I was grappling with some ailments and undergoing an emotional storm of my own on account of the deep fear that illness roused in me. In reading the book and acquainting myself with the stunning insights therein, I began to heal not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

I have to say I loved the book unconditionally, and here’s why. I follow the Advaita Vedanta path, otherwise known in English as non-duality. RX for Resilience encapsulates the sum of all the modern approaches to this ancient path, ranging from Buddhism, philosophy, and science. I gained access to many novel tools and techniques to harness the mind and get it to go deep into the experience of  the thoughts and feelings of a spiritual warrior. That, combined with the power of Saroj’s spiritual explorations and the clarity and lucidity of his style, makes the book deeply enriching.

Rx for Resilience is uncompromising in its intent—to compel us to engage with our minds deeply and courageously, drilling down until we access the spaciousness and peace of our true Self.

As Saroj mentions in the book, while everyone will benefit from Rx for Resilience, the book is particularly useful for those who are in the grip of a crisis.

When I like a book, I go all out to support it. Which explains why I recently invited Saroj to an interview held under the aegis of a book club I curate called the ZOW Book Club. Saroj and I had a freewheeling discussion on the book, of which some memorable nuggets are excerpted here. I hope you enjoy the conversation. And don’t forget to buy the book!

Suma Varughese: Saroj, the pivotal event in your book is the death of your patient, Rashmi. For the sake of those who have not read the book, can you briefly take us through the crisis and how it affected you?

Dr Saroj Dubey: Rashmi was a young patient who had come to me with a bile duct stone. We did an endoscopic surgery called ERCP on her, and everything went as per protocol. But when I went to see her after a couple of hours, I found her to be in excruciating pain. We found out that there was some leakage in the intestine, so surgery had to be done within 24 hours. But instead of recovering from it, as patients normally do, things went downhill. The patient had to be shifted to a ventilator, she developed infections, and we eventually lost her after three weeks.

As doctors, this is something we have to face daily. Sometimes, things go wrong even after we have done our best, and it’s not that every such complication leaves a profound impact on us because, otherwise, we’d never be able to get up the next day and go see a patient or do surgery again.

But, probably, in this case, the ground was fertile as I  had already started the process of meditation and mindfulness. Earlier, certain incidents had made me question deeply about what life was all about. And when this particular incident happened, it tore my life apart. The patient was young, with a small child, and the whole family was so upset, heartbroken, and angry. To add to it, the hospital management was also questioning me.

I thought that something like this could suddenly happen to my family at any time. Was it all a matter of destiny? Were we merely puppets, or was there something more permanent and unshakable? I wanted to find out my true nature too—Who am I? Somehow, I was desperate to find out all the answers.

SV: What I found remarkable is how you confronted that avalanche of feelings and the thoughts that accompanied them. How did you manage to develop that spiritual stamina?

SD: As I said earlier, there were a few incidents even before this episode that made me ponder very deeply and explore. I was already into mindfulness and meditation, and a few books had helped me develop this stamina. One was Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, in which he writes about embracing the fear, the despair, or the sadness, and being totally present with it. Also, in Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, she advises us to connect with the emotion and the pain, and forget about the storylines. Initially, I could not understand what they were saying, but, with practice, I realised that when we sit with these emotions, we can sort of localise them and feel them deeply; then we can disconnect from the story and be totally aware and open to the emotions. In the process, one realises that there is some space created around the emotions.

Maybe this incident was grace, as there was no exit route available. Every day, I would wake up with that searing pain, hoping against hope that things would be a bit better that day, till I intuitively realised that the only way out was through. I had to just be open to what was happening. And I remembered this line of Pema Chodron’s: “Only to the extent that you expose yourself over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found.” I felt that if this incident had to annihilate me, it was okay, but I wanted to see whether I could sit with it and discover that which is indestructible. And so, I would sit and stay with all these feelings.

Step by step, eventually, as I describe in the first chapter, the day came when, suddenly, that space created around the emotions started increasing, and I felt enveloped by what I can only call ‘presence,’ which was very still and peaceful. It was a very transformative experience for me.

SV: Was it enlightenment?

SD: The word which came closest to it was ‘presence.’ I did not want to grapple too much about whether it was enlightenment or not because I knew that this presence would never leave me. But that doesn’t make me an enlightened person because, otherwise, things seem to be mostly the same.

I think the best way we can describe enlightenment is just a moment-to-moment awareness. And it is not an episode or an incident or something which happens, but it is just being more aware of what is our true nature, our Being, and stabilising into that.

SV: One understands that enlightenment is a space where you’re no longer identified with the body and mind. So has that happened?

SD: I have found that the presence over the years has deepened. However, the sense of personhood, or ego, still exists. For example, if there’s something about my family or my reputation, or even, say, about the book, that personhood will keep coming up. But, as I said earlier, it is just about this moment, being aware of it, and taking it step by step rather than having any ultimate goal of enlightenment.

SV: You have been able to—deeply and vulnerably—share what you went through. It wouldn’t have been easy, right? So how did you manage it? And why did you do it? I mean, I’m a strong believer in vulnerability.

SD: While writing the book, one day, suddenly, I thought, What am I doing! I am exposing myself to the world. Fingers will be pointed at me. Who will come to me or trust me after this? So, for a week, I felt, I’ll do it after 10 years. Maybe by that time, I’ll be close to retirement mode. But now I am too active professionally, and my kids are still young. I can’t afford to do this. Then I read a few articles. One was Robin MacArthur’s, about how showing oneself is an act of radical generosity. I think that’s what it is. That is what connects one to another.

Another inspiration was a quote by Audr Lorde, I think, that when you feel so strongly about something, then even at the risk of it being manipulated or misunderstood or abused, you have to share it with the world.

Since the book was all about surrender and acceptance, I said that if, somehow, my words could comfort anyone going through something which turned their life upside down, then I was willing to take the plunge.

SV: Now that your book is out for the last two months, has there been any adverse impact on your career?

SD: Fortunately, no. In fact, the only thing which has happened is that, suddenly, some patients with even severely chronic conditions have pinned their hopes on me. I fear that I may disappoint them because I don’t have anything extra to offer.

SV: The beauty of the whole thing is that rather than running away from you, they are coming to you.

SD: That is something I’m really grateful for.

What has also been most transformative is the way the medical profession has reacted to it. When this book came out, and I talked to some of my seniors, teachers and mentors, they said that the medical profession needs this book because these are things which no one is willing to talk about. And they were so grateful that I had filled that gap.

SV: So, in the process, I think you’ve opened up the medical profession a little bit, among many other things.

SD: Yes, I hope so.

SV: You say that your path is non-duality. Would you like to tell us what non-duality means and why you were drawn to it?

SD: Most of us believe that there is a subject, which is me, and an object, which is the other—some other person or thing. There is a duality here: me and that other. And in non-duality, the whole thing is about awareness, or consciousness. There is a unified one, not two. Hence, non-dual. The best example of it is when Rupert Spira talks about seeing scenes of war, love, chaos, or peace on a TV screen. Although a lot is happening on the screen, the screen itself remains unaffected.  The screen of awareness remains unaffected likewise.

SV: So, in non-duality, God, or the Creator is also part of it? God and man are . . .

SD: It is all one. Our Hindu scriptures say “I am Brahman.” So when we realise our true nature, then we realise that there is nothing external. Everything is within that.

SV: Why were you drawn to contemporary non-dualistic thinkers from the West rather than to where it all originated from?

SD: Although non-duality has its origins in Advaita, Western teachers have given it an easily digestible form. When these teachers talked about presence, or awareness, or ‘I am-ness,’ that was something which deeply resonated with me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I understood the core teachings thanks to the contemporary teachers. Perhaps that is the path for today. I was also discussing that every generation needs an upgrade, like every phone needs an upgrade.

SV: Well said. I’m now delving a little deeper into the contents of the book. You said that the present moment is our true refuge and sanctuary. This moment is enough. I’d like you to just expand on it a little.

SD: Eckhart Tolle would always draw a demarcation between life and the contents of the moment. And people would ask, “But how can I accept this present moment or be happy in it? My life is miserable. I don’t have a job. My husband has deserted me.”

And Eckhart would reply, “But that is your life situation. That is not life.” And I would rack my brains because it didn’t make sense then. How am I different from my life situation? But this process of awakening made me realise that I am-ness is our essential nature; that is what we essentially are, and what is happening outside is our life situation. I have written about it in the afterword because that is the time it deeply impacted me.

My mom passed away last year. She had two cardiac arrests, and I went up and down from Delhi to Jamshedpur around five times. During that time, a trip to Ooty trip was also planned with my friends, a year ahead. While I was sitting outside the CCU where my mom was, on a ventilator, I was receiving a lot of calls from the hospital and the patients, asking when I would be returning. I told them that I was just helpless because I had to be with my mother. My friends were also sending me pictures from Ooty, and I felt I was missing it all. There was also the fear of losing my mom. All these things were happening. But when I was just sitting outside the CCU, I felt a deep stillness and peace. As if, right then, that moment was enough. And I realised what Eckhart was always talking about, that there is a difference between the life situation and your life. What we are, that deep sense of presence, is enough. And it is here right now. It is not five seconds away or even five meters away. I realised on an experiential level that when we are deeply engaged in this moment and feel that presence, then nothing else is required. [MU1] 

SV: Could you share how to stay mindful on a moment-to-moment basis?

SD: One can spend two to three hours a day on meditation practice. If that’s not possible, one can do it for five, ten, or fifteen minutes, rather than not do it at all. For those who don’t even have five minutes to spare, they can do daily acts of mindfulness. When you brush your teeth, you can mentally label the act as ‘brushing.’ By doing so, you become a bit more aware. Then, while having your bath, being mindful of the sensations of the water and soap can immediately bring you into presence. When you change your clothes, even wearing two buttons in awareness can break that cycle of mindlessness.

So these are things which everyone can do. We can devise our own ways. It’s an ongoing process. For example, right now, everyone can take just half a second and mentally say ‘sitting,’ and feel their clothes against the chair or their feet against the ground, and then come back again.

SV: Could you give us some of the benefits of just being present periodically?

SD: First of all, whenever we do anything by being present, the quality increases substantially. Furthermore, once we are present, we become calmer. Mindfulness also enhances creativity and increases our productivity, efficiency, and well-being.

SV: Let’s talk a little about your writing. How is it that a busy doctor like you managed to do something many of the writers here find it difficult to do, which is find the time to write?

SD: I initially decided on a target of only 100 words a day. And even if it took me five years to write the book, it would be okay. So, the main thing is that I started writing it. I wrote the title at that time and started with 100 words. Then it would be 200. Some days, it would be 500. And one Sunday, it was 1000. So before I knew it, after 15 days, I saw that one chapter was complete. I realised this is something that could be done, and as you remember, we ended up with around 80,000 words.

SV: How long did it take you to write it?

SD: I had given myself two or three years initially. What helped me also was the open awareness kind of mindfulness meditation. There are two kinds of thinking: convergent thinking, which is logical step-by-step thinking, and divergent thinking, where ideas suddenly come out of the blue. The open awareness method of mindfulness stimulates your divergent thinking. In open awareness, it is just about sitting in awareness and letting all thoughts and whatever come in. So I would sit for maybe half an hour or 45 minutes, and once I got up and started writing, the ideas would keep flowing. You can read more about this open-awareness method in my book.

In six or seven months, I had the draft ready. So that was quite amazing for me.

Once you start with whatever small project you think of, the momentum builds up, and it will take a life of its own.