September 2023
The Isness of Suffering
A recent situation compelled Suma Varughese to confront and transcend her lifelong aversion to suffering
Despite my absolute conviction that life is a school whose curriculum is the problems that beset us and that these problems are our avenue for growth, happiness, and eventual enlightenment, I have never reconciled myself to the suffering that is so intrinsic to the human condition. Each time problems visited me and brought suffering in their wake, I would bewail my fate and rave and rant at God. Yes, eventually I would accept them, work my way through them, and emerge a better person, but I could not accept this design of life and, therefore, I could not accept living. I was half-hearted in my commitment to life, and at the slightest suffering, I would beg God to take me away.
This manifested as a constant resistance to life, which filled my body with stress. My jawline was so tight that it would hurt, and my fingers were perennially curled into balls. Fear was another manifestation of my inability to accept the fact of suffering.
This pattern rose sharply to the surface in 2021–2022 when my sister Sheela’s cancer became terminal. Her suffering (stoically borne) was immense, and so was mine on witnessing her pain. I simply could not reconcile myself to it. I grieved, I protested, but I could not find a way to accept it. Even after my sister passed away, her suffering stayed in my consciousness as an aftershock that would not go away.
Around that time, I also found that I had been put on a higher arc of growth that enabled me to move towards greater and greater acceptance of my mind-stuff from the perspective of being a witness. For the first time, I experienced a small separation between me and the mind-stuff. I could viscerally experience the spiritual truth that I was not my thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations. Over time, I began to gain some ascendancy over these areas. And yet, the fact of suffering was still unassailable.
Recently, I found myself in a situation that promised fulfilment but also had the possible threat of future suffering embedded in it. My first impulse was to back away because I did not want the suffering it may bring. But this time, I battled this impulse. Why should I run away simply out of the fear of future suffering? For the first time, I told myself I was willing to accept whatever suffering came my way because that was the only option available to me. There was no way I could stop it from being. Why not accept this fact and free myself of the fear?
I also discern that now that I am amenable to suffering, the fear that I have been marinated in for as long as I can remember may actually leave. Even my lifelong procrastination may disappear now that I am willing to suffer the effort of doing what I need to do when I need to do it.
I have also understood that my constant veil of thoughts which took me away from the present moment was my way of running away from pain. Maybe my newfound acceptance would eventually and finally establish me in the present moment? At any rate, this new space is inclining me towards enjoying all the joy at my disposal, and that is reward enough.
Suma Varughese is a teacher of words and wisdom. She broadcasts spiritual truths and a love for writing in her various capacities as columnist, writer, writing coach, and the founder-facilitator of the popular Zen of Good Writing Course. She is the former editor of Life Positive and Society magazines. She has authored Travelling Light, Travelling Lighter, and 50 Life Lessons. She can be contacted at sumavarughese@gmail.com
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