January 2017 By Shivi Verma
Relating to people became fun when Shivi Verma realised that all were simply a reflection of her inner self There was a time when people used to scare me. I was too dependent on their goodness, warmth and large heartedness to feel happy, confident and comfortable
My mother used to often say, “Somebody criticises you and you become despondent, someone praises you and you become buoyant. How can you be so unstable, so fickle, so weak?” Her assessment used to baffle me, because I did not know how to find my centre. How to function from a space where I could hold my own without getting carried away by the personality of the other. Interacting with people meant talking to them, listening to them, seeing life from their viewpoint. And each one was so starkly different from the other that I used to wonder, if all are right from their standpoint, then what was the actual truth? If I dismissed all that they said as small talk, I ran the risk of being arrogant and losing out on valuable knowledge that they may have possessed. And if I accepted everything they said wholeheartedly, I could be manipulated or even hoodwinked by them, since human nature was unreliable. And no matter where I stood with regard to them, I could always be proven wrong.
If I opined that someone was cunning, another one would come and highlight his good points. If I trusted a person believing in his goodness, someone would indicate his flaws to me, asking me to be on guard. It was so confusing, and baffling. I had not yet developed the ability to accept people completely. To see that they were who they were. And that they had no obligation to measure up to my expectations of virtue or uprightness. I also wanted to be validated by someone of great nobility and strength of character. In whom no flaw could ever be detected. Funnily enough, if I did happen to meet someone who I admired and respected,
I wasn’t sure if I met with his approval. Since I had no knowledge of myself, I was never sure if people actually liked me or considered me worthy of relating to. So even if people showed interest I used to mentally dismiss it as a casual thing. And this deep inner lack of acceptance, desire for external validation, and the need to look for absolute perfection in others was the reason for my mental agony that later resulted in depression.
Finally at the end of my wits, I gave up. And I began seeing a great inner light within myself. As my inner journey progressed, this search for the perfect person culminated into the search for an enlightened master. But the Creator knew that since I was prone to hero worshipping I would be content with seeing God outside myself and halt my progress over there. So I couldn’t find one for the longest time. Finally exasperated, excoriated and at the end of my wits I gave up. And once that happened, I began seeing a great inner light within myself.
A strange love, acceptance, warmth and delight began to fill up my innards. I also saw that there was no other anywhere to fear, or seek approval from. All were me, and my reflection. There was no need to accept or reject anyone on the basis of judgement. People were a mass of energy that was constantly vibrating and changing. There were no constants. And the more I believed in my inner light the more reflection of it I was going to see outside. Yes my love has frightened a few. But that is part of the plan.
To help them see their own inner light. This was the sole and only truth to rely on and take recourse to. Now relating to people has become the greatest fun and the highest adventure. To see how they gradually start vibrating with you as you focus on your inner light.
About the author: Deputy Editor with Life Positive, Shivi Verma is a devotee who found all her answers in loving God passionately.
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