The loneliness of not being a person
Novermber 2022
The loneliness of not being a person
By Ajay Kalra
As the identification with his mind diminishes, Ajay Kalra realises that he is more of an empty space in which everything
happens.
One can find contentment in just being, just existing
I have a confession to make. I am no longer a person. This may seem shocking to most people. Or an invitation to be judged crazy. But that is the truth. My Truth. Over a period of time, particularly over the last two years, my identification with my mind made identity has diminished. I see myself more as the empty space in which all happens. As though the attention has shifted from the foreground of unconscious thinking, to the background awareness in which thinking occurs. In which everything happens.
Before some of you start congratulating me on realising my true self, let me tell you it’s lonely not being a person. I cannot relate to most of the conversations that go on around me. People talking passionately about future goals
and plans gives me a headache. So do people discussing spiritual practices to achieve higher states of realization. Discussions about self understanding, self-healing, learning from the past, predictions for the future make me want to run away.
The only thing that interests me is what is happening now. Or just being silent. But most people are not interested in either. Most people are interested in meaning making, hoping and trying to do something to better their lives.
When I dropped out of the corporate world I thought I had become a minority. When I started teaching mindfulness I thought I had become a greater minority. But realising I am not a person, has made me a minority among the minority.
58 LifePositive | NOVEMBER 2022
Not being a person does have its perquisites. The chattering mind is silent most of the time. And even if it chatters I don’t take it seriously. There is great joy in being with nature. Just watching the mountains, trees, clouds, mist and rain. There is contentment in just being. Not necessarily doing anything. Just existing.
The only thing that saves me from utter loneliness is listening or reading about people who have had similar experiences. They speak of realising that the separate self never existed in the first place. That life is simply happening by itself. This is also the primary thought of the two philosophies I have been exposed to - Advaita and Buddhism. .
The other thing I thoroughly enjoy is sharing this experience in my online classes, which I recently renamed from Mindful Living to Advaita Vedanta Made Easy. Here I can be unabashedly myself. Speak freely about not being a person. And guiding others towards this simple realisation.
“How does one stop being a person?”
Well there is nothing one can do. Every doing takes one away from being. And Being is where Emptiness resides. Just as the wave cannot do anything to become water. It is always water, whether it realizes it or not. Having said that, based on my experience, there are four things one can do.
First is to simply see things as they are. A thought is a thought. A feeling is a feeling. A sensation is a sensation. A tree is a tree. A chair is a chair. In other words avoid personalizing, interpreting, meaning making. Just because one smokes does not make someone a smoker. It is the body engaging in a certain behaviour. Smoking is not good for health, is just a thought. “I am a smoker. Smoking is not good for my health. I must not smoke. I am no good. One day I will give up smoking.” creates the person.
Secondly avoid the lens of duality. Do away with should and should not, dos and don’ts, right and wrong. This disables us from seeing things just the way they are. We tend to judge, analyze, and moralize everything. We have strong opinions of what is right and wrong, what should be and should not be. The stronger our ideas and beliefs the stronger our identification with being a person.
Thirdly stop finding causes behind why something happens. If one gives up smoking. That is just how it is. There is no reason behind it. The mind’s favourite activity is cause and effect. Things happen the way they are happening each moment. Everything in the Universe participates in the happening. But the mind perceives a fragmented reality, finds causes, assigns responsibility and learns lessons. Think about it; if the sun did not rise each morning nothing would ever happen.
Finally don’t make decisions. Just allow each moment to unfold into the next moment. Life is unfolding. Just do what is obvious and needed in the moment. It will naturally lead to the next moment’s action. Use logic and rationale where needed, but trust the state of not knowing more. The silence will lead us to where it is meant to take us. Live simply. Effortlessly.
I have another confession to make.
I am sharing these tips for a selfish reason. So I can enjoy the company of more people who are not a person. To make the minority grow. To be able to communicate in the language not a person people generally use.
Silence.
Or words that point to Silence.