By Shivi Verma
As Shivi Verma realized the humbling power of the Matrix, a newfound humility arose in her heart
My mother says that I did not cry when I was born. I would fearlessly go into the arms of strangers as a child, and calmly attended my first day at school without tears or tantrums. I did not have strong likes or dislikes and was pretty easy to handle. But life had other plans. Even though I was one of the calmest in my gaggle of cousins, I was never appreciated. My quietness was considered a disability, and worried elders would coax me to become more active and involved with life. Soon I started showing signs of nervousness, anger, frustration and jealousy. I could not be who I was, and what was expected of me was mostly beyond my power.
As I grew bigger, questions, and the search for answers took centrestage in my life. Incessant thoughts controlled my mind, and drove me to despair. This intense seeking finally culminated in meeting a person whose great conviction in God compelled me to believe and explore this phenomenon.
Finally, something began to make sense. God listened, had answers and could give clarity and directions. From being and feeling a nobody, suddenly I felt on top of the world. The Universe was on my side, and could answer my prayers. This discovery made me reckless. I was drunk on emotion and felt that as long as my contact with the Divine was strong I was safe and protected. But my illusion was shortlived. Suddenly the connection snapped. The Maya or the Matrix, through its mysterious ways, exerted its power and my object of affection changed. Though my mind was on God, my heart was with someone else. I suffered for years until the day I decided that I would love and trust only the God within. I became very aware of my thoughts, speech, action and instincts from then. To some extent it eased my life and many things fell into place. Yet trying situations never left me. I realized that each situation contributed to teaching me something essential. Like accepting unconditionally, not judging, forgiving, being compassionate to myself, being in balance, and taking responsibility. With the clearance of emotional baggage, I began to feel like a creator. I had the power to realise whatever I wanted through tools like training my subconscious, setting targets, believing in myself and focussing on my goal.
Yet the fructification of my desires, and how I wanted people or situations to be were not in my control. For completely incomprehensible reasons people I relied upon, could shut doors, situations could fly out of control, and that elusive goal could still be out of reach despite my hard work and self-belief. It was then I realized the might of Maya. If She, the creative force of God, was benevolent, she could spin things in my favour and make me a queen. And if she was not, I could stay a pauper despite doing everything to better my lot.
It was then I realized the might of Maya. If She was benevolent, she could spin things in my favour and make me a queen.
As I realized this a deep humility arose in me. For the first time I felt a strange reverence in my heart for the much maligned Matrix. There was something between me and God, and as long as I denied acknowledging Her, Her existence, Her power, Her influence, and Her reach I would be fooling myself into believing that I was capable of changing my life. I was nobody before the Matrix. But unlike previously, the feeling of being a nobody fills me with a sense of liberation, joy and deep gratitude. All hail the Matrix.
About the author:
Deputy Editor with Life Positive, Shivi Verma is a devotee who found all her answers in loving God passionately.
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