By Shivi Verma
Being a nobody enables the power within to do everything the moment calls for, says Shivi Verma
When I was younger I often wondered why it was so necessary to prove yourself in the world. I was a shy and quiet child in my childhood, and was often criticised for not being smart, clever, energetic, agile or bright by those who had these qualities. And very soon I lost all faith in my ability to navigate the world. My grades in school skydived along with my confidence, and severe diseases began to afflict me. That I couldn’t do practical things became so big a belief in my mind that my legs shook if asked to serve a glass of water to a visitor. What if I didn’t do it right?
The belief that I was severely fractured in body and mind stymied my courage to explore anything new, attempt anything different, or handle relationships expertly. Ego was my only companion and the only armour I could hide behind. Frantic for help, I sent sincere prayers to heaven when fortunately someone said with great conviction that God existed and loved me immensely. And what a relief it was to know that He cared. His response pumped up my self-belief and confidence. Since I was a plain-hearted person and seldom doubted anybody’s intentions I had a tendency to believe anything the other said about me. But now having somewhat found my centre, I was very well equipped to survive in an office atmosphere where seniors fed on the diffidence and lack of experience of a newbie.
Yet I wasn’t fully there. I was still affected if anybody brought my lack of skill in one or the other department to my notice. I feared confrontations, disobedience, defiance by juniors, losing the regard of my seniors, felt stressed by my lack of administrative abilities, my absentmindedness, and a host of other abilities needed to prove your efficacy in the world.
But as I progressed in my spiritual practise I realised that it was foolish to get defined by others’ expectations of you. There was no limit to the faults they could find in you.. And perfection did not mean that you needed to know everything or how to do everything. It was an ego game designed to keep you unhappy at all times. My priority shifted from proving myself to focussing on the task at hand and doing it as sincerely as possible.
As a nobody I was only an empty shell housed by an unknown power. And this power could do whatever was needed through me.
And if I was weak in a certain area, then there was nothing to fret about. Someone who was good at it, was also another expression of me, housed in a different body. If I wasn’t good at number crunching (for which I was shamed many times), there were a host of others who were and who could help me with it. As I progressed even further on the path the space within me grew wider. I realised that I was a nobody, which was a million times better than being somebody. As somebody I was a set of certain characteristics, values and qualities and also the lack of many others. But as a nobody I was only an empty shell housed by an unknown power. And this power could do whatever was needed to be done through me. Now if a challenge arises, I think, I may not be able to do it, but the one within me can do everything. This thought forces me to do what has to be done without worrying about fearful outcomes. So now I am neither a good person, nor a bad person. Neither a dumb person, nor a smart person. I am what the moment needs me to be. And this also includes not being able to do something. In the grand scheme of things everything matters.
About the author: Deputy Editor with Life Positive, Shivi Verma is a devotee who found all her answers in loving God passionately
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