March 2014 By Suma Varughese Suma Varughese is a thinker, writer, seeker, latent crusader and Editor-in-Chief of Life Positive. Write to her at firstname.lastname@example.org Her increasing self-confidence and capacity to cope has helped Suma Varughese free herself from a longstanding sense of doom For the longest time, I have had a sense of doom shadowing my life. It lies in the very depth of my being and infects me like a silent plague. Anything and everything sets it off, and quite often there is no ostensible reason. Sometimes, it rises up in my consciousness, and my heart suddenly contracts with fear. I know what this is all about. When I entered the path, one of the truths that most affected me was the realisation that there was no guarantee in life. For someone with very little confidence in her capability, this was a frightful truth to internalise. Gradually, other truths came to help me come to terms with this. One is karma. I realised that only what I was karmically entitled to would accost me, otherwise not. So I did not have to worry about being killed by a terrorist or going down in a plane accident or other random occurrences. But there were still millions of fears and worries that came my way. What if illness besieged me? What if something happened to my sisters? What if I was unable to meet my deadlines? My first reaction when challenges presented themselves was always resistance, fear and anxiety. Only later, by dint of working on them, would they yield to acceptance and a willingness to do something about them. Slowly however, as I am discovering my capability to cope with life’s difficulties, I have been finding that my sense of doom has been dimming. And recently, I had an experience which makes me feel that its death knell is sounding. As usual I felt a clutch in my heart for no ostensible reason, but this time, instead of giving in to the doom, I told it that whatever the situation, I was capable of coping with it, and therefore it was time for it to leave me. And I myself then discovered that what I was saying was indeed true. I was coping with many difficulties, and I was coping well. For the last few years life has been challenging me on many fronts – financial difficulties, my illnesses, illnesses of my dear ones, and so on. Whatever the difficulty, despite the initial resistance, worry and doubt, I buckled down and dealt with the situation. In all this, growth has been happening. My will, determination and commitment have been growing, even as my sense of confidence and self-esteem have increased. I still have a long way to go, but I am beginning to get that life’s challenges do not cow me down. Somehow, sometime, I will always make a triumphant comeback. As that wonderful poem, Invictus says, “My head is bloody but unbowed.” I still have a long way to go, but I am beginning to get that life’s challenges do not cow me down. Somehow, I will always make a triumphant comeback. It may be too soon to say, but it seems to me that my sense of doom itself is doomed! And with that, will perhaps come a perfect acceptance of the uncertainty of life. If this indeed does come about, what a seachange I can expect in my life. Instead of being hijacked by random fears and worries, perhaps a perfect peace and acceptance will reign, enabling me to adjust and respond to changing situations without breaking into a sweat. Suma Varughese is a thinker, writer, seeker, latent crusader and Editor-in-Chief of Life Positive. Write to her at email@example.com
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