You matter
February 2024
You Matter
Dr. Bijal Maroo investigates the dynamics of Mattering and Anti-mattering and the role they play in our well-being as well as our misery
A couple is in the middle of their rendezvous, when the boy announces that he will be travelling for a few days. Wistfully, he asks his girlfriend, “Will you miss me while I am gone?” Most partners in a relationship have this concern uppermost in their minds. Have you ever thought of the reason?
Why does the firstborn experience sibling jealousy when the second child appears on the threshold? Well, in both instances, the man and the child are plagued by the imminent loss of ‘Mattering’ from the
significant other or the group (family). Mattering is a feeling that is intense for most people—a feeling that they matter to someone. In psychological terms,
Mattering denotes how a person feels when they are seen, heard, and accepted by the society around them.
It is a well-known fact that even our house plants wither away when neglected. It is not enough to just water them daily. Attention and nurturing by way of trimming here or there or by moving the pots around a bit help the plants flourish. In the Marathi movie Amhi Doghi, one of the protagonists is ailing from a major ailment that leaves her exhausted and drained on most days. Yet, she makes it a point to move the potted plants around. She is asked by her stepdaughter as to why she is making such a herculean effort when she isn’t keeping well. To this, she replied, “Just so that they feel good!”
Our existence has no meaning unless someone knows that we exist
Quantum physics has proved beyond doubt that things exist only when there is an observer. The famous double-slit experiment proved that particles did not exist (they were like some ephemeral wave) until an observer came along, and then individual particles became discernible.
Advaita Vedanta talks about the fundamental
principles of the Universe. The Universe arises, exists, and dissolves in Consciousness. The Universe exists only because there is a witness (Sakshi). This means that the witnessing Consciousness creates the Universe merely by observing it. Hence, our Universe and all of us humans, who are a part of the Universe, exist because the Consciousness or the ‘witnessing presence’ is observing us. This witnessing presence has been assigned many names such as God, the Supreme Being, the Creator, etc. Hence, our existence has no meaning unless someone knows we exist. Without the attentive and appreciative observer, what is the point in putting up any performance or achieving any goal?
It is not enough to just belong; one must matter
Man is a social animal. So, we need to belong— to family, social, and community groups. We love being part of a circle of friends and a clique at the workplace. However, our needs don’t stop with just the experience of belongingness. We need to take it a step further towards Mattering.
The movie Amhi Doghi highlights the significance of Mattering
Quantum physics has proved beyond doubt that things exist only when there is an observer. The famous double slit experiment proved that particles did not exist (they were like some ephemeral wave) until an observer came along, and then individual particles became discernible.
Gorden Flett is a professor in the Department of Psychology at York University and former Associate Dean of Research in the Faculty of Health. He has done ground-breaking research on ‘Mattering as a positive force in people’s lives.’ In his book, The Psychology of Mattering—
Understanding the Human Need to be Significant, he explains how Mattering is experienced:
Attention and appreciation: a) I and my actions are noticed by others. b) A feeling that I am appreciated for my qualities and my good actions.
This is why we find social media so addictive. The more likes and comments we garner, the more we think we matter. I am part of two very active WhatsApp groups. Both platforms make me feel heard and appreciated for my input. When the members hear my songs or read my posts and like them, I bask in the attention.
Noted absence: A realisation that I am missed when I am absent. This sends a message that someone cares for me.
Most people do the disappearing act so that they
can hear these precious words on their return: “I missed you so much!”
Importance: A feeling of being important as my opinion is sought and I am consulted at the time of decision-making.
Companies in which all employees are asked for their suggestions perform significantly better than the competition. This is because the employees feel that they count and become personally invested in their companies. Thus, Mattering is important to motivate the workforce.
Dependence: I am given responsibilities, hence I feel that others depend on me.
Oprah Winfrey credits her fourth-grade teacher, Mrs Mary Duncan, as the first person who helped turn her life around. Mrs Duncan assigned classroom tasks to Oprah so that she felt she was significant. This pulled Oprah out of the rut her life was in at that time.
Ego extension: My dreams, hopes, and concerns are heard. So, I recognise that someone is emotionally invested in me.
Many success stories are authored by teachers and mentors who stay personally invested in the performance and careers of their students and mentees. Purna Malavath was the youngest Indian and youngest female to summit Mt Everest. She could achieve this feat due to the untiring efforts of Dr Repalle Shiva Praveen Kumar IPS. He recognised and mentored her while he was the secretary of the Telangana Social Welfare Residential Educational Institutions Society.
Individuation: There is a special mention or description of my positive attributes in a manner that makes me stand out in a crowd. This is a feeling of being unique.
Everyone loves receiving personalised notes about what is special about them as a person and how their contribution or performance was unique. We all love the spotlight on us, isn’t it?
Anti-mattering
‘Anti-mattering’ is the term coined to show how a person feels insignificant.
Have you ever been part of a team but felt side lined and unincluded? It happened to me once when I was not allowed to voice my opinions or share my ideas as we planned our group performance. I wanted to slink away from that place as I felt alienated and marginalised.
Negative attention is better than no attention reveals actress Ashley Judd in her autobiography, All That is Bitter and Sweet. As a child, she suffered tremendous emotional neglect as she was left alone at home by her mother and sister for days on end. She felt that even physical abuse is a shade better than emotional abuse or emotional neglect. According to her, though the child gets hurt in physical abuse, it still entails some interaction with the abuser. In contrast, an emotionally neglected child can conclude that they matter so little that they are not even worth hitting.
Anti-mattering can lead people to become extremely submissive and masochistic to gain approval in their social circles. According to Eric Fromm, the German social psychologist and
When a person feels that he doesn’t matter, he concludes that nobody will miss him when he is gone. Many such people attempt suicide.
Mattering is the antidote that might pull a person back from the brink of suicide.psychoanalyst, such people crucify themselves on the cross of conformity. Thus, unfortunately, they end up distancing themselves from their individuality and their spontaneity.
We must note that Mattering is a two-way street. When a person makes an effort to show others that they matter, it is more likely that they receive feedback indicating that the others matter as well. Hence, the person who experiences Anti-mattering faces a double whammy. They withdraw socially as they experience a dearth of positive social feedback. Now, they are unable to convey to other people that they matter. As a result, other people neglect them further resulting in a vicious circle of Anti-mattering.
Mattering provides psychological protection. Anti-mattering corrodes the well-being of an individual to such an extent that it can trigger socially unacceptable behaviours. John Harrigan, an award-winning director, screenwriter, and producer says, “People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.” When a person feels that he doesn’t matter, he concludes that nobody will miss him when he is gone. Many such people attempt suicide.
Mattering is the antidote that might pull a person back from the brink of suicide.
‘You Matter’ was the suicide-prevention campaign in the USA, that was inspired by the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. The protagonist, George Bailey, has given up his dreams to help others in his community. He despairs when $8000 is lost rather than deposited into the bank. He tries to raise the money by mortgaging his insurance policy. However, he is snubbed and told that he is worth more dead than alive. He takes these words to heart and contemplates suicide. His guardian angel, Clarence, saves him. He shows George all the lives he touched and how he made a difference to his town, Bedford Falls, and its people.
How to increase the Mattering Quotient in our life
As technology invaded our life, we cut back on face-to-face meetings in favour of phone calls. Now, we avoid calling people in favour of WhatsApp messages. Our fast-paced lives leave no room for bosses to set aside even 30 minutes for annual appraisals at the workplace. Thus, employees end up feeling severely marginalised after slogging for the company the whole year round. Companies employ Interactive Voice Response Systems (IVRS) and Artificial Intelligence (AI) voice bots as money saving techniques to deal with their customers. However, the impersonal feeling one gets while talking to a machine, and the lost opportunity to make connections, might result in levels of Anti-mattering rising.
We must remember that for prison inmates, the second worst punishment after the death sentence is solitary confinement. It is known to drive people crazy because of the serious psychological damage it causes. In his autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom, Nelson Mandela says, “After a time in solitary, I found myself on the verge of initiating conversations with a cockroach. Nothing is more dehumanising than the absence of human companionship.”
So, how can we demonstrate Mattering to people in our circles?
• Fostering a positive relationship: Most mothers feel insecure and threatened by their new daughter-in-law. The daughter in-law can approach the mother-in-law for recipes or to learn how to drape a sari. It makes the senior lady feel important and will encourage a better interpersonal relationship.
• Fostering self-worth: Retired people feel insignificant or sidelined when their children ask them to take it easy and relieve them of their responsibilities. Instead,
continue approaching them for advice and ask them to play referee to mitigate quarrels. The retirees feel depended upon and hence regain their sense of Mattering.
• Training the spotlight: Make birthdays special for your close friends and loved ones. Let go of the impersonal WhatsApp messages and, instead, pick up the phone. Call and wish them in your cheery voice. Give them your time instead of gifting something to them.
Recognising the uniqueness: Avoid the emoticons and type out personalised and heartfelt gratitude and appreciation messages or send a voice note. The receiver can bask in the specialness that they are.
Expressing affection: Let people know that you are thinking of them by making random calls or sending thinking-of-you messages.
Showing Concern: Inquire about people’s health and well-being when you note their absence.
The secret power of giving works such that you only ever get what you give. Once you start giving something, not only do you start getting it back, but much more. Hence, when you make others feel like they matter, you increase not just their Mattering Quotient, but yours too gets multiplied manifold. Remember, Mattering is a two-way street.
Dr Bijal Maroo is an art based therapy practitioner, homeopathic consultant, counselling and health psychologist since 20 years. She reflect on life through her gifts as a writer, poet and singer. Contact- drbijjalmaru@rediffmail.com or visit www.drbijalmaroo.com