Accepting yourself

This is one of the most profound and challenging journeys a person can undertake. It's not about giving up on growth or settling for less; it's about building a foundation of self-compassion from which all positive change can spring. 

Let's break down what it truly means, why it's so hard, and how we can practice it. 

What Self-Acceptance Is (And What It Isn't) 

• It IS: Acknowledging your reality—your thoughts, feelings, flaws, strengths, and past mistakes—without judgment. 

• It IS: Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend. 

• It IS: Understanding that your worth is inherent and not conditional on your achievements, appearance, or others' opinions. 

• It IS the foundation for growth. You can't fix a problem you refuse to acknowledge. Acceptance is the first step. 

• It ISN'T: Resignation or giving up. ("I'm lazy, so I'll never try.") 

• It ISN'T: Narcissism or arrogance. It's a quiet, internal peace, not a need to be better than others. 

• It ISN'T: An excuse for bad behavior.  

Why Is It So Hard to Accept Ourselves? 

We are often our own harshest critics. This comes from: 

1. Conditioning: From childhood, we receive messages about what is "good" and "bad." We learn to tie our worth to external validation (grades, praise, likes). 

2. Comparison Culture: Social media constantly shows us curated highlight reels of others' lives, making our own "behind-the-scenes" feel inadequate. 

3. The Inner Critic: That voice in your head that magnifies your flaws and dismisses your strengths. It often mistakes self-criticism for motivation. 

4. Fear: If we accept ourselves as we are, we fear we'll lose our drive to improve. We think we need the whip of self-criticism to move forward. 

A Practical Guide to Cultivating Self-Acceptance 

This is a practice, not a destination. You do a little bit every day. 

1. Practice Mindful Awareness (Without Judgment) 
When a critical thought arises ("I'm so stupid for making that mistake"), don't try to suppress it. Just notice it. Say to yourself, "I'm having the thought that I am stupid." This creates a small space between you and the thought, robbing it of its power. 

2. Challenge Your Inner Critic 
Talk back to that voice. If it says, "You always fail," ask for evidence. "Is it really true that I always fail? What are the times I have succeeded?" Treat this critic like a badly informed troll—don't believe everything it says. 

3. Practice Self-Compassion (The Game Changer) 
This is the heart of self-acceptance. When you're struggling or feeling inadequate, place a hand on your heart and say (either silently or out loud): 

• "This is a moment of suffering." (Acknowledge the pain) 

• "May I be kind to myself." or "May I give myself the compassion I need." 

4. Embrace Your "Shadow Self" 

This is one of the most profound and challenging journeys a person can undertake. It's not about giving up on growth or settling for less; it's about building a foundation of self-compassion from which all positive change can spring. 

Let's break down what it truly means, why it's so hard, and how we can practice it. 

What Self-Acceptance Is (And What It Isn't) 

• It IS: Acknowledging your reality—your thoughts, feelings, flaws, strengths, and past mistakes—without judgment. 

• It IS: Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend. 

• It IS: Understanding that your worth is inherent and not conditional on your achievements, appearance, or others' opinions. 

• It IS the foundation for growth. You can't fix a problem you refuse to acknowledge. Acceptance is the first step. 

• It ISN'T: Resignation or giving up. ("I'm lazy, so I'll never try.") 

• It ISN'T: Narcissism or arrogance. It's a quiet, internal peace, not a need to be better than others. 

• It ISN'T: An excuse for bad behavior.  

Why Is It So Hard to Accept Ourselves? 

We are often our own harshest critics. This comes from: 

1. Conditioning: From childhood, we receive messages about what is "good" and "bad." We learn to tie our worth to external validation (grades, praise, likes). 

2. Comparison Culture: Social media constantly shows us curated highlight reels of others' lives, making our own "behind-the-scenes" feel inadequate. 

3. The Inner Critic: That voice in your head that magnifies your flaws and dismisses your strengths. It often mistakes self-criticism for motivation. 

4. Fear: If we accept ourselves as we are, we fear we'll lose our drive to improve. We think we need the whip of self-criticism to move forward. 

A Practical Guide to Cultivating Self-Acceptance 

This is a practice, not a destination. You do a little bit every day. 

1. Practice Mindful Awareness (Without Judgment) 
When a critical thought arises ("I'm so stupid for making that mistake"), don't try to suppress it. Just notice it. Say to yourself, "I'm having the thought that I am stupid." This creates a small space between you and the thought, robbing it of its power. 

2. Challenge Your Inner Critic 
Talk back to that voice. If it says, "You always fail," ask for evidence. "Is it really true that I always fail? What are the times I have succeeded?" Treat this critic like a badly informed troll—don't believe everything it says. 

3. Practice Self-Compassion (The Game Changer) 
This is the heart of self-acceptance. When you're struggling or feeling inadequate, place a hand on your heart and say (either silently or out loud): 

• "This is a moment of suffering." (Acknowledge the pain) 

• "May I be kind to myself." or "May I give myself the compassion I need." 

4. Embrace Your "Shadow Self" 
We all have parts of ourselves we dislike—the jealous, lazy, insecure, or angry parts. Instead of fighting them, try to understand them. That jealousy might be pointing to an unmet need. That insecurity might be a protective mechanism. These "flaws" are part of your whole, complex, and human self. 

5. Reframe Your "Failures" 
There are no failures, only results and feedback. Every mistake is data. Ask, "What did this experience teach me?" 

6. Focus on Your Strengths and Values 
Make a list of your strengths, not just your skills, but your character traits (e.g., you're curious, loyal, resilient). What do you value? (Honesty, creativity, connection?) Living in alignment with your values is a powerful form of self-acceptance. 

7. Set Boundaries and Let Go of Who You're "Supposed" to Be 
A huge part of self-acceptance is releasing the image of the "perfect" person you feel you should be. That person is a fiction. Give yourself permission to be authentically, messily, imperfectly you. 

A Final Thought 

The poet Derek Walcott captured the essence of self-acceptance beautifully in his poem "Love After Love": 

The time will come 
when, with elation, 
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door, in your own mirror, 
and each will smile at the other's welcome, 

and say, sit here. Eat. 
You will love again the stranger who was your self. 
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you ignored 
for another, who knows you by heart. 

Accepting ourselves is this process of coming home to ourselves. It's welcoming the "stranger" we have been—the parts we've ignored or rejected—and finally offering them a seat at the table. It is, ultimately, the beginning of a true and lasting friendship with the one person you are guaranteed to spend your entire life with: you. 

By Jamuna   Rangachari