Define your valentine

I am kind of averse to trends. Especially when it comes to fashion and celebrating the so-called days. I always follow my heart in these matters. But this Valentine’s Day I wanted it to be a memorable one for the most special person, who matters the most and means the world to me. 

I wanted the day to be filled with many small gestures and moments of sheer joyful bliss and love.  Flowers, candles, dressing up, good food, and quite an intimate walk in nature. And I planned the day meticulously and we had a wonderful day with love-filled moments just like a Bollywood love story. 

Curious to know who that person is? Its ME! myself. Surprised? Shocked? Thinking how selfish of her? Or feeling, wow what a cool idea😊. I am sure some are feeling OMG what a sorted person she is. So comfortable with herself. While some of you are feeling how strong I am as a woman. Can one be your own Valentine?

I’ll be honest here. A sucker for love, a girl who lived in the fantasy land most of the time, imagining life to be full of roses and balloons. Waiting for the knight in shining armor to swipe me off my feet and hopelessly fall in love, or rather tumble head over heels in love. I depended on the world for love and validation all through my life. 

My focus has been on loving others, and making them feel special. Planning surprises, parties, gifts, and lunches for family and friends. While doing all this made me happy, there would always be moments of disappointment when things were never reciprocated. I would sulk and then keep wondering, what’s wrong with me? 

One day while I was talking to a very dear friend, I expressed to her how beautiful it was to see so many people showering abundant love on her in so many ways. my next question was, how did she always flow in so much love? She smiled and said, ‘Sonu (that’s what she calls me) because I love myself the most. I am my favorite.’

Instantly I was taken aback, wasn’t that selfish I thought. She said something remarkable that changed my life forever. She stated “Sonu my love and respect for myself is so high, I am always overflowing in love. Because my cup of love is so full, it overflows into all my relationships effortlessly. I don’t have to do anything special. This selfless love felt by others comes back multifold.”

For days I kept thinking about what she said. Slowly it started making sense to me. I realized; my love came from a space of deprivation. I have never loved and appreciated myself enough. When I don’t have enough, I hit rock bottom, feeling no one loves me. while my love for others is genuine, it is coming from a space of desperation. Want of love.

That day my journey of self-love began. It was a huge step for me as my validation always came from the world. But one thing was very clear I had to grow in love with this person who lived with me 24/7. I needed to know her true self and accept her with all her good and not-so-good. Embrace her. Drop all the imposters she had built.

The first step was sitting and asking what I wanted. Writing my goals, I made a chart of things to do daily for self-love to become a natural way of life. I split the goals into three main steps and with small baby steps, faltering at times, and pushing myself consistently I reached where I am today. 

Want to know more? Here it is. The three major steps to grow in self-love:

1. How I communicate to myself.

First thing as soon as I wake up, I look into the mirror and tell the woman there how beautiful and amazing she is. Loudly I confess my love for her. Gratitude journaling is a daily practice. I write down what I am thankful for in life and myself. Expressing my gratitude to my body and asking for forgiveness for all the non-acceptance and body shaming I did. 

I have stopped critiquing myself with words like I am not good enough, I don’t deserve it, etc. Every word I say is positive and motivational. Even if I have done wrong or a mistake, I tell myself it's okay. Gracefully accept it and forgive me. 

2. How I treat myself: 

I celebrate myself. All small victories, like getting a yoga pose right, cooking a delicious dish, completing a task. Any and every small action that I perform gets a reward either in the form of a kind word or a pat.  piece of chocolate. 

I treat myself to some divine salt baths, spa days, or a lunch date. I buy flowers for myself if I have achieved something big or completed a target on time, I go window shopping. Buy a little gift for myself. Or watch a movie all by me. 

I plan my birthdays. I am celebrating a weeklong birthday. Planning little things with myself and my favorite people. It’s not only about dinner or meals. Some activities, outings, and creative workshops like pottery, gaming, and the alike. 

3. How much I make myself available:

I have been freely available for people, never prioritizing my life. Drop everything and be there for anyone who needed me or even without been asked for. This made people take me for granted and walk all over me. They did not know how and when to respect me. But now I have strong, yet gentle healthy boundaries. I choose where I want my energy to be given. I learned to say NO in a relationship. 

Today my health regime, my work or commitments, and my peace have become my primary focus. This does not mean I do not love people or distanced myself. It only means I do not compromise on things that matter to me or are important to me. 

Did this affect my relationships? Yes initially, people thought I had changed. I was selfish.  They could not fathom the fact that I would not give in. But gradually people learn to adjust around you. And all this was done very peacefully and quietly. Kindness and boundaries went hand in hand. Gentle but assertive refusals were my way of protecting and preserving myself. 

Trust me eventually, my relationships have grown stronger and deeper. I have become more empathetic towards people. I understand them more, but not necessarily agree with them on everything. People cannot decide how they make me feel. The negativity does not penetrate me like before and thus my self-esteem has grown tremendously. 

Coming into my self-love has liberated me from my dependency on the world for love and validation. Today I am in a position of a giver, and this comes from a space of high self-awareness. I am a chooser and not a beggar. 

Resonates right? What’s stopping you now? Go rediscover the love of your life. Fall, no no Grow in love with the most beautiful person in the world, YOU.